By Shruti S. Poulsen, Ph.D.
Continuing Lecturer
A Fine Balance:
e Magic Ratio to a
Healthy Relationship
relationships
Does it ever feel like your partner only criticizes you? Can
you remember the last time your partner said something
positive to you? When negative interactions outweigh the
positive ones, it may be hard to recall the positive qualities in
an intimate relationship or in your partner. Successful
intimate relationships have a balance between positive and
negative feelings and actions between partners. According to
relationship researcher John Gottman, the magic ratio is
5 to 1. What does this mean? This means that for every one
negative feeling or interaction between partners, there must
be five positive feelings or interactions. Stable and happy
couples share more positive feelings and actions than
negative ones. Unhappy couples tend to have more negative
feelings and actions than positive ones. Partners who
criticize each other, provide constant negative feedback,
aren’t supportive of each other, don’t demonstrate affection
or appreciation, or behave uninterested in their partner are
in relationships that are out of balance.
How do you increase the positives in your relationship? Here
are some things you can do.
Show interest
Show your partner that you are listening. Pay attention to
your partner. Are you interested in what your partner is
saying? Are you showing her that you are really listening? For
example, your wife comes home from a long day at work.
She wants to talk to you about it. You nod absently from
behind the newspaper that you are reading. Does this show
real interest in her and in what she is saying? Put the paper
down. Make eye contact with her.
CFS-744-W
Consumer and Family Sciences
Department of Child Development & Family Studies
PURDUE EXTENSION
Successful relationships with an intimate partner require
nurturing and attention. There are no quick fixes or
fast-track methods to satisfaction and happiness in a
long-term relationship. Most strategies for enhancing
your relationship require repetition and practice over
time. Six fact sheets from Purdue Extension – Consumer
and Family Sciences address six areas of couple relationship
challenges. The information in the fact sheets is based on
research by prominent marriage and couple researchers
such as John Gottman, Sue Johnson, and Howard Markman.
The titles in this series are:
• CFS-742-W, Handling Conflict with Your Partner and Staying
Emotionally Connected
www.extension.purdue.edu/extmedia/CFS/CFS-742-W.pdf
• CFS-743-W, Making Time to Talk to Your Partner
www.extension.purdue.edu/extmedia/CFS/CFS-743-W.pdf
• CFS-744-W, A Fine Balance: The Magic Ratio to a Healthy
Relationship
www.extension.purdue.edu/extmedia/CFS/CFS-744-W.pdf
• CFS-745-W, Increasing the Positives in Your Relationship
www.extension.purdue.edu/extmedia/CFS/CFS-745-W.pdf
• CFS-746-W, The Art of Complaining: Getting Your Concerns
Across Without Criticizing
www.extension.purdue.edu/extmedia/CFS/CFS-746-W.pdf
• CFS-747-W, Sharing Dreams and Goals: Creating an
Emotional Connection
www.extension.purdue.edu/extmedia/CFS/CFS-747-W.pdf
2
CFS-744-W
Show affection
There are many ways of showing your affection
to your partner. Hold hands, sit together while
watching TV, tell each other “I love you.” These
are all small ways to be affectionate. You can
also do thoughtful things for each other, such as
helping with chores.
Show your care and concern
Caring acts can take many forms. You could
buy your partner his or her favorite ice
cream while on an errand. You could
also take time in your busy day to write a
short e-mail, leave a phone message, or
write a note. If your partner is worried
about something, express your concern.
Express your concern verbally — “it
sounds like you had a really rough day at
work today.” You can also show your
concern by giving your partner a hug. Let your
partner know that it matters to you when he or
she is worried or concerned.
Be appreciative
Think about what you liked and appreciated
about your partner when you first met him.
Recall the ways in which you did things for each
other that were helpful and caring. Encourage
positive memories of your partner. Let your
partner know what you appreciate. Thank him
or her for what he or she does for you. Compli-
ment your partner. Point out the positives that
you genuinely appreciate.
Listen so you can understand
Show your partner when you really understand.
Verbal and non-verbal expressions can show
your partner that you are listening and under-
stand. Tell him or her how you understand his or
her perspective. Listen carefully and completely
to your partner before conveying your under-
standing. Express your understanding when you
really do understand. Show your partner that you
are trying to understand him or her by being a
good listener and not giving advice too quickly.
Be accepting
Sometimes you may disagree with your partner.
You may not always like or agree with what he or
she is saying. However, you can still respect your
partner. You accept what he or she has to say and
you let your partner know you think it is important.
Lighten things up
Be playful, joke, and enjoy each other’s com-
pany. Use jokes and playful teasing as long as
it isn’t hostile or sarcastic towards your
partner. Joking about your
partner’s fashion sense or
cooking are examples of
hostile joking. Sharing your
memories with your partner
about when you first met can
be a way to enjoy each other’s
company. Keep things light
sometimes. Find ways to
spend time together that is
fun for both of you. For
example, set up a regular date
night or lunch with each other. Share your
feelings with your partner when you feel good,
excited, or happy. Especially share your joy with
your partner when your good feelings are about
your partner and your relationship.
Aim for more
positive interactions
How can you tell if the magic ratio in your
relationship is unbalanced? Pay attention to how
you and your partner interact with each other.
For every negative interaction that takes place
between you and your partner, are there several
positive interactions? Using Gottman’s sugges-
tions can help you increase the positives in your
relationship. More positive feelings and actions
can lead to happier, more stable, and connected
relationships.
Activities to help you achieve
the magic ratio
The following exercises/activities will help you
start thinking about how to implement the
suggestions and strategies from this fact sheet.
•Startbykeepingajournalforoneweek.
•Onadailybasis,reviewthevariousinteractions
you have had with your partner and list them
in your journal.
CFS-744-W
It is the policy of the Purdue University Cooperative Extension Service that all persons have equal opportunity and access to its educational programs, services, activities, and facilities without regard to race, religion, color, sex,
age, national origin or ancestry, marital status, parental status, sexual orientation, disability or status as a veteran. Purdue University is an Armative Action institution. This material may be available in alternative formats.
PURDUE EXTENSION
Order or download materials at the Purdue Extension
Education Store • www.extension.purdue.edu/new
New 03/08
Online resources
http://novaonline.nvcc.edu/eli/spd110td/
interper/relations/relations.html
The Interpersonal Web at Northern Virginia
Community College — Site provides links to
a variety of interpersonal communication
and relationship issues and topics such as
gender and communication and verbal and
nonverbal communication. It also provides
links to research and other media resources.
www.gottman.com/
The Gottman Institute: Researching and
Restoring Relationships — Web site
provides information on John Gottman’s
research on couple relationships, links to
other media resources, books, and work-
shops and training for the public and for
professionals.
www.smartmarriages.com/
Smart Marriages: The Coalition for Marriage,
Family and Couples Education — Web site
provides information on strengthening
marriages and on marriage-related issues
such as gender, domestic violence, and
effective communication. Also provides links
to research, other media resources, legislative
issues, and reports related to marriage.
www.aamft.org/index_nm.asp
American Association for Marriage and
Family Therapy — Web site provides links
for the public and for professionals on issues
related to family and couple relationships.
Provides information on books, resources,
workshops, current issues, and updates and
training opportunities.
www.acf.hhs.gov/healthymarriage
U.S. Department of Health and Human Services,
Administration for Children and Families:
Healthy Marriage Initiative — This Web site
provides numerous links to marriage-related
research, articles, news, workshop and training
events, marital and pre-marital education,
and funding opportunities.
References and resources
Gottman, J. (1999). The Marriage Clinic: A
Scientifically Based Marital Therapy. New
York, NY: W.W. Norton & Co.
Gottman, J., Schwartz Gottman, J., & DeClaire, J.
(2006). 10 Lessons to Transform Your Marriage.
New York, NY: Crown Publishers.
Gottman, J. & Silver, J. (1999). The Seven Prin-
ciples for Making Marriage Work: A Practical
Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relation-
ship Expert. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
Johnson, S.M. (2004). The Practice of Emo-
tionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating
Connection. New York, NY: Brunner-Routledge.
Markman, H.J., Stanley, S.M., & Blumberg, S.M.
(2001). Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive
Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a
Lasting Love. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.
Tannen, D. (1990). You Just Don’t Understand:
Women and Men in Conversation. New York,
NY: Ballantine Books.
•Categorizetheinteractionsaseithernegative
or positive.
•Attheendoftheweek,reviewyourjournalto
see how the negative and positive interactions
balance out.
• Whatever your relationship ratio is, decide to
implement at least two positive interactions
or behaviors from the list above on a regular
basis in your relationship. Put them to use
each time you find yourself in a negative
interaction or expressing negative feelings in
your relationship.
•Inafewweeks,tryjournalingagaintoseeif
your relationship is closer to achieving that
“magic ratio.”
